Over responsbility

What if it's not your fault?

My first job out of university was as a design engineer. A big part of that role involved designing parts on a computer and sending them to get prototyped. We had fancy 3D printers, vacuum casters, laser cutters and a big team of prototyping technicians who were experts in running the machines.

Often I’d send parts off to get prototyped and they would come back and something would be wrong. They wouldn’t fit together as I had hoped, a part would be broken or it wouldn’t be the size I was expecting.

My automatic reaction went something like this: This is all my fault. I must have designed the part wrong, maybe I exported the file in the wrong format, perhaps I did a crap job of explaining to the prototype team what I wanted. It was where my brain went every time. And sometimes it was my fault, but sometimes it wasn’t.

What surprised me was how my response compared to my colleague’s. They were in the same position as me, newly graduated design engineers who were learning and making mistakes. When they got a prototype back and it wasn’t right, their response would sound something like this. The machine messed it up, the technician didn’t load the file right, somebody has sabotaged me and my great design skills. Basically, this has nothing to do with me.

As I compared our responses to the same situation, I had one of those aha moments when you realise, oooohh not everyone thinks like me.

My low self-belief and low confidence were making me over-responsible for situations. It made me assume everything that went wrong was a direct reflection of me not being good enough.

Since working with coaching clients I’ve seen the same pattern of thinking show up in people who describe themselves as underconfident.

I’ve started a new job and my manager hasn’t given me a project yet, it must be because he doesn’t think I’m good enough.

My manager makes me feel like nothing I do is right, they always make suggestions for me to change small things, it must be because I’m crap at this job.

I emailed someone about giving me feedback and they didn’t reply, it must be because I’m so awful that they don’t even want to give me feedback.

It can be completely debilitating when you think this way. It takes up so much of your energy and understandably flattens your confidence.

When you find yourself ruminating over something that has gone wrong and assuming it is all your fault ask yourself these questions:

What are the reasons for this that have absolutely nothing to do with me? So for the person who didn’t respond to the request for feedback, maybe their busy, or maybe they missed the email.

What might this other person be thinking or feeling that has led them to respond in this way? So for the micromanager, maybe they have problems with control or perfectionism, maybe it’s a power play and they are trying to assert their authority.

How could I find out if this is true? Rather than spending time ruminating over it, could you have a conversation and ask your manager why you haven’t been given a project?

Of course, you don’t want to end up under responsible, always blaming others and not considering your part in things. But when your self-belief is low and you're so stuck in over responsibility, it would be highly unlikely that you swing so far the other way. These questions will just land you back in equilibrium where you realise it is not always all your fault.

Taking time to shift your perspective and get yourself out of self-blame and over-responsibility can dramatically increase your self-belief and confidence. If you’re interested in exploring this together through coaching get in touch.

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